We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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