I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
