his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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