nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
