He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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