well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
