i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
