i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
