Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
