I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
