I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
