why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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