I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
