My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
