How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
