I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
