Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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