he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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