My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
