Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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