soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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