i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
