I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just forgot I was standing up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
