yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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