If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
