Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
