Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
