Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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