Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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