he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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