I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
