Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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