i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
