My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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