Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
