The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
