u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
