btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
