So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
