True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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