Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
