I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
