Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
