I should be sponsored by Trojan
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
