i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
