I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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