we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
