she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
