hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
