I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
