Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
